I’ve never felt degraded by the occasional ass-slapping – sometimes I even ask for it. But according to the class I attended at New York’s Museum of Sex, spanking is only the tip of the BDSM iceberg.

BDSM encompasses bondage and discipline (B&D), domination and submission (D&S) and sadomasochism (S&M). To someone unfamiliar with it (like myself), BDSM screams “freakfest.” I imagined the class participants as adult versions of the leather-clad, pasty-faced Goths I knew in high school. I’m a judgmental bitch but fairly self-aware, so I concede that my first impressions are usually wrong.

I flipped through overpriced books in the Museum of Sex gift shop, feigning interest in artsy-fartsy nude photos as I waited for the “BDSM Basics Workshop” to begin. As the workshop took place after-hours, I knew my co-loiterers were there for the same reason, but I still felt choked by insecurity. The thirty other people in attendance – most of them couples, a few of them Goths – avoided my eyes. I assumed this was because they saw BDSM basics as a way to spice up monogamous relationships, and I was alone. I wanted to scream, “I am not a single, desperate dominatrix wannabe! I am a serious writer and this is research!”

Just as I was about to lose my nerve, we were led into the museum’s blindingly bright pink Kink Gallery and instructed to take a seat in one of the metal folding chairs. Cheap white wine sat on a table nearby. I contemplated chugging a few glasses to calm down, but decided against it: A buzz would likely weaken my note-taking ability. I was immediately soothed by a sultry voice. Our instructor, Domina M., a professional dominatrix with ten years (and 20,000 hours) of BDSM experience under her belt, greeted us. “This is a good turnout, and that excites me,” she said. No red lipstick or thick black eyeliner polluted her face. No leather clung to her body. Dyed blonde hair grazed her shoulders. She was classily dressed in pumps, a pencil skirt and a light pink chiffon blouse, and looked like a 31 year-old who occasionally gets carded. Only a satin corset and a pair of fantastic breasts hinted at her sexy profession.   

Almost everyone raised a hand when Domina asked if any of us had BDSM experience. I suppose I could have joined them, but judging from the materials onstage – paddles, canes, dog-collars, leashes, ropes, whips and other unidentifiable accessories – being occasionally spanked by my boyfriend seemed more PG than BDSM.

BDSM play requires a dominant partner (a “dom” or “top”) and a submissive one (a “sub” or “bottom”). Domina asked the audience why people enjoy the power exchange associated with BDSM. “Loss of control,” someone said. Domina’s eyes lit up. “Exactly,” she purred.

Domina demonstrated sensation play – including everything from light tickling to heavy whipping – by bending a brave audience member over her knee and spanking her through her jeans, first with her palm and later with the back of a wooden hairbrush. “Being a bottom means you don’t have to worry about anything,” Domina explained.

“Does it hurt?” a curious audience member asked. The volunteer, a curly-haired cutie who looked like she’d stepped out of an Abercrombie catalog, placidly shook her head no. Domina clarified that because ass-spanking reverberates to the genitals, a bottom feels a mixture of discomfort and pleasure rather than pain. In the context of BDSM, pain receptors release endorphins that actually transform pain to pleasure – pro-doms call this feeling “punch-drunk.” The Adam Sandler movie finally made sense.

After Domina released her volunteer – who looked more like she’d had a full body massage than a spanking – she demonstrated gentle flogging with a tool that looked like a leather mini-mop, as well as rope bondage, handcuffs and blindfolds. The men in the audience grew rowdier throughout the class; when Domina cracked her whip against a wall, I could almost hear their boners straining against their pants, but few of them volunteered to participate.

As Domina passed her tools around the audience, she explained the other feelings commonly experienced during BDSM play. Bondage makes a sub immobile (at the dom’s mercy) which forces him or her to let go. For some, feeling owned can translate to feeling safe.

Toward the end of the class, I still wondered if BDSM could have the same profound affect on me as it had on some of Domina’s volunteers. Thankfully, someone else in the audience wondered, too. “What would you suggest for couples just getting into BDSM?” he asked. Domina discussed the importance of establishing the dom and sub roles before starting BDSM play, using beginner methods like blindfolds, handcuffs and spanking, and employing safety words (such as “red light” or “mercy”) to adequately establish boundaries and gauge pain tolerance.

Learning the basics of BDSM ultimately helped me admire its participants. When we have sex, we’re often unwilling to give up control, for fear of what we will look like. Am I a bad lay if I come too early? Is it weird that I giggle when I orgasm? BDSM strips us of control and forces us not to care how loud we moan, whether it’s from pain or pleasure.

I’m not ready to be bound and gagged. But I am ready to stop judging those who are.