Like Dr. Albert Kinsey who was a pioneer of sexual research, I too am interested in furthering the world’s carnal knowledge. Therefore, I have opened the doors of the Anka Institute of Human Sexuality, a scientific research lab devoted to the study of sexual practices and product testing for the benefit of mankind. Current studies include research in sexual positions, penis enhancing products, orgasmatrons and what really happens at a local massage parlor.

To accomplish my research, I will need a staff. I cannot accomplish certain experiments myself because, well, I don’t have a penis. To help me with my sexperiments, my “Research Assistant” will have an insatiable curiosity and a fertile imagination. He will also be hot and look good in a lab coat and no pants.

To facilitate the process, I placed a help wanted listing on Craig’s List in the “misc. romance” and “casual encounters” sections. Here I was in the esteemed company of ads such as “Cute woman needed for naughty physical exam” and “White lady wanted for licking.” My ad read “Position open for sexual research. Short-term position available as sex associate. Generous employee benefits. You will be paid for a weekend of sex research in New York City. You will be a guinea pig, but you will freaking love it. Send photo and resume and a brief letter stating your qualifications. Enthusiastic attitude a plus.”

More than five hundred potential Research Boys applied from across the US, eager to assist me in my sexology studies. These candidates included a football player, a bodybuilder, a cop, a professional wrestler and a soldier responding to the call of duty. Also applying was a homeless guy looking for a place to stay, an unemployed slacker who makes money selling his own plasma, two cross-dressers, three virgins and a bunch of guys in prison.

Since I asked for credentials, Bob, a software engineer, said he was “ten inches soft.”  Bill, a physical therapist promised he would “make my vagina talk.” A third listed his experience as “I am an expert at cunnilingus and am proficient in G-spot massage.” One guy just said “I am very, very horny.”

Kevin, who described himself as a “male slut,” said his experience included “getting into a pushing match with Bruce Willis in a strip club on four tabs of mescaline.” Another guy sent in photos of his penis that said “research tool.” William, who is incarcerated, enclosed a visitor information form and wrote “I would love to sniff your chair.” He said he is trying to correct past negative sexual behaviors such as masturbating in his palm and then shaking hands with women.

Of all the applicants, I chose 28 year-old Steve, because he lived in New York City, he was cute and he didn’t seem completely insane. With Steve and I heading “The Institute” we will discover better living through sexual chemistry.  Science awaits us...