Hey Angry Frank,

I just spent a weekend with my long-distance boyfriend of several months and found a second closet filled with dresses big enough to fit him. He’s 6'4". He asked if we could talk about it later. I had to leave. Is he gay or a transvestite? Is he even attracted to me? It’s not like our sex life is all that great anyway.

Jennifer, CA

Dear Jennifer,

Before we address whether your man’s attracted to you, it’s important to note that homosexuality is not really the issue here. We’re talking cross dressing. Here are the basics: A cross dresser is someone (usually a man) who dresses in the clothes of the opposite sex to either a) occasionally secure relief from gender discomfort or b) achieve either emotional or sexual gratification.

While cross dressers usually identify themselves as heterosexual – often leading “traditional” married lives with non-transgender women – cross dressing can also be a step on the path to cross living. Full-time cross dressing is sometimes preparation for permanent sexual reassignment.

Now that the lesson’s over, discuss all the above with the big guy on your next visit to wherever the hell he lives and ask him what’s up. Then ask him if he’s attracted to you. How the hell should I know? And lastly, long-distance relationships aren’t always the happenstance hurdle people bullshit themselves into believing they are: They often mutually “benefit” both parties. Perhaps your partaking in substandard sex is exacerbated by too few questions asked and not enough “I’d really like…” suggestions. Ask yourself why you’re pursuing a long distance relationship without a resolution plan…unless you consider “having to leave” your resolution, of course.

Angry Frank

Hey Angry Frank,

Can blowing into the vagina really kill you? If so, how come I’m not dead from all those from-behind queefs my man gives me?

Carrie, MN

Dear Carrie,

Good God, your man gives you queefs? All this time, I’ve been giving of myself, offering my selfless swollen flesh balm to those in constant need…and yet here you are sweet Carrie, asking only for queefs and not to die by them. God bless you, child.

Yeah, the sad truth is – now don’t get paranoid – you could die from vaginal blowing. But hey, you could also win American Idol. Under normal circumstances, it’d take Kenny G with a perfect lip seal and a high note down there to create the kind of pressure necessary to cause an air embolism. The uterine wall is at issue here; IUDs, pregnancy and injury can damage the wall, allowing air to pass from the uterus to the bloodstream. Pregnancy increases vulnerability to the fetus and mother by producing placenta-eating enzymes that damage the uterine wall. The few cases of fatal air embolisms from penetration have all been related to too-soon-after-pregnancy sex (Jesus, guys!). Bottom line: Tell your man he’s welcome to moisten and stir the landscape by exhaling his hot air across the vulva plains. But he can’t huff, puff and blow up vagina valley for the love of God. And guys, no doggy style the day after the baby’s born. Duh!

Angry Frank