Hey Angry Frank,

I started dating a good guy a couple of weeks ago and went down on him for the first time over the weekend. Anyway, he had a dry spot on his dick – not a sore, more like a dry patch or discoloration. He said he was STD free. Should I be worried?

Donna, NJ

Well Donna, like your favorite PC desktop, the male phallus can be adorned with all sorts of fascinating wallpaper options. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say “patchy” and  “discolored” ranks down there with that god awful snaking sewer pipe screensaver that would best be shoved up the ever-loving ass of the programmer–geek who created it. Take my penis, Whaler, on the other hand. Looking at it is like gazing at the virginal Caribbean sands gingerly slapped by the tug of that frothy warm azure sea. You know, that wallpaper with that big fucking palm tree off to the right there, the really huge girthy one?

Anyway, when you say “He said he was STD free,” are you saying that you outright asked Patchy “Um, what's that?” while pointing to said “discoloration”? If so, congratulations. If, however you beat around his bush, making some off-the-cuff “you’re STD-free, right?” comment, to which he nodded “yeah” while his member was inches from your mouth, that’s not gonna cut it. Patchy could have Peyronie’s – symptoms may include hardened lesions and curvature of the erect penis. He could also be getting over his latest Herpes flare-up, or have scarring from genital warts – both of which should obviously concern you. If it helps you broach the subject, take the pressure off Patchy by saying, “I'm ready to take the next step with you, let’s go get tested.” If he balks, then he’s either lying or not concerned enough with his own health, let alone yours. Say goodbye Patchy.

Hey Angry Frank,

I’m so sick of online dating profiles by women who want a “handsome man, at least 6' tall” who “knows how to spoil a beautiful woman” yada, yada, yada. I’m about 6', pretty good looking and I make a nice living. Is it just me or are there nothing but gold diggers out there?

Bruce, CT

All right Bruce, who's bullshitting whom? “About 6-foot” my ass. I’m