Faking Orgasms

ASK YVONNE

By Yvonne Fulbright, PhD

Dear Yvonne:

I’ve been faking orgasm with my boyfriend for months. Should I admit to it? Claim that I suddenly feel differently? I want to have orgasms – and do on my own - and feel like he just needs a crash course on the female body, but I don’t want to insult. Help!

Ahhh, Faker Judgment Day… After months in Pleasure Purgatory, you’re taking a chance that you’ll get all access to the Gates of Heavenly Climactic Bliss if you just come clean – lest your boyfriend give you hell for your less than angelic dishonesty first. Making matters even tougher: he’s the judge and jury, yet he isn’t likely going to want to hear the truth and nothing but the truth if it turns out he’s to blame. So you have to state your argument well and very carefully, as not to incriminate either of you in the case of the missing “O.” So here’s what you need to do…

• Pick a prime moment to spring this on him. And a prime moment is not when: 1. he’s about to jump your bones or 2. is rolling over, post-climax, for a good snooze. It’s best to have this conversation before being intimate instead of in the middle of heated action or after he has come and is too exhausted to think straight. Plus, if he’s not able to get his erection going any time again soon, the two of you will only feel more distress than the situation invites because you’ll have to wait for the next time you get together/do it.

• Don’t claim to suddenly feel differently. This will give the impression that it’s a problem with you instead of your lover being ineffective. At the same time, however, you don’t want to make him feel ineffective. All and all, you need to avoid pointing fingers and handle the situation delicately. It’s softer, for example, to say, “I’m having trouble climaxing to my fullest during sex and was hoping we could try a couple of things so that I can realize my orgasmic potential...” instead of “You’re not making me come.” 

• Keep things in the present, as this will make everything easier in the long-run. It’s probably best that you avoid mentioning that it’s been a long-term problem, unless he asks you point blank. It also helps if you can show him what to do, how to turn you on, whether it’s touching an erogenous zone, working your clit more, ways to seduce you... 

• Consider skipping your court date altogether and, the next time you get together, start off the evening’s festivities with a little bit of show and tell. Masturbating for him, telling him what you like and asking him to feel the rhythms of your hands with his own should clue him in to what needs to be done. Give him extra incentive to want to follow your lead, e.g., “When I do this, I have multiple orgasms,” or “Hitting this spot releases a climax that totally rocks my world.”

Every woman is different and it may be that what worked with an ex of his isn’t working on you. Don’t assume he doesn’t know anything about the female body – he may just be clueless about yours, and it’s a matter of retraining him. And even if he doesn’t admit it, he’ll be grateful that you’re giving him the key(s) to your climax. 

You need to take matters into your own hands, literally, and own your pleasuring – even if it includes incorporating a vibrator or stimulating yourself during thrusting to throw yourself over the edge. Let him know what you want to try, and, more importantly, how to get you off in the process. That way you empower him with the skills that are necessary to bring both of you what feels like eternal bliss, if even for a few sweet seconds.