Hey Angry Frank,

I've been in an on-again, off-again relationship with my boyfriend for four years. We used to break up whenever I caught him cheating on me. Now we're moving in together and planning on getting engaged. I asked him last week if he could ever give up his bachelor ways. He said that cost-benefit analysis makes the cost of cheating too high now that we're headed for marriage and that the thought of losing me is too great a price to pay for a fling. At the time, it sounded pretty good but now I'm having second thoughts. What's your take, Angry Frank?

Adrianna, TX

Dear Adrianna,

Your fiancé-to-be and budding MBA candidate may be well versed in the principles of cost-benefit analysis (CBA) but he's taking liberties with the term's definition. While a running the numbers approach to general decision-making sometimes works in business, it can't be used to determine whether or not he'll stop schtupping alternative pussy.

Angry Frank, while no MBA candidate, believes that a different kind of CBA has guided your man's choices heretofore: cock-benefit analysis. Fidelity, love, integrity and anything resembling the emotive human experience cannot be shoved into a fucking equation and result in absolute proof. MBA boy may be a changed man and struggle expressing himself beyond the lexicon of finance, so it's up to you to communicate the heavy emotional price his former self-benefit has cost you. When faced with your more emotional perspective, he should respond in kind. If he still wields business blather and believes CBA will keep his slide rule in his shorts, expect DBA (divorce-benefit analysis) to factor into your equation sooner rather than later.

Angry Frank

Hey Angry Frank,

I'm still on good terms with an ex who's bisexual. She's been dating another guy for a few months and they're already having issues. I think this is because she's always been more attracted to women. Like, she'll elbow me to rubberneck at a pair of breasts or legs but never checks out guys; she usually waits to be sought by men. I asked her if she'd consider dating women but she said she prefers just to fuck them. What's the deal, Angry Frank? Is she really bisexual or is she a lesbian who won't come out?

Thomas, FL

Dear Tom,

Like I should fucking know? She dated you, right? A recent New York Times article said that some study involving blood flow to the erotic regions of self-proclaimed bisexual men and women suggested that the women were indeed mutually attracted to both men and women, while the men only "responded" to men on a physiological level. I'm sure there'll be another study contradicting that study sometime soon. But for now, the Times deigns that if she says she's bi, she's bi.

My guess (and it's no more than that) is that, for your ex, dating women is a more emotionally connected and threatening experience but fucking them permits an internally necessary disconnect. That she has you rubberneck for legs or breasts further underscores her objectification of women. This strikes me as a defense mechanism. Tremendous societal, familial or cultural pressure may also play a role in her downplaying her desire to truly explore same-sex intimacy. But none of these speculations necessarily indicate that she didn't like your big, bad Tommy Gun, Thomas, and isn't that what this is really about? Don't you just want to know if she was ever really attracted to you? If that's your real question...like I should fucking know?

Angry Frank